Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Statement Analysis and Romance: Part One, The Setting

This is the first in a series regarding deception in romantic relationships.

There are not only specific linguistic indicators within romance that are revelatory, but there are principles which we apply, including one specific principle that cannot be overlooked:

The shifting of language over time.

In 1981, President Reagan was challenged on a point in a debate in which he was on shaky ground.  He finally said to his opponent, "Google it and you'll know that I am correct in what I say!"

Language shifts and there are new words added, and some old words subtracted, and there are words which change over time.

Recent examples:  "He is making love to me" in the 1930's or 1940's meant that the man was saying words to a woman in which he was attempting to win her over.  Today, it is used to reference sexual intercourse.  This is a change, just as much as, "I feel so gay, today" means something different, in just one generation, than it did earlier in time.

Context should include era.   See above faux quote of Ronald Reagan.

We must consider that the subject has spoken or written with the intention of being understood.  This is the crux of communication:  the hope and/or belief that the transmission of information will be precisely understood, as intended.

It is when one intends deception that the language often reveals them.

Facebook.

Facebook has given a wealth of information to psychology, profiling and linguistics.  In this, some will:

a.  Use Facebook to update disjointed family.  The user posts pictures of the children, for example, that the grandparents, living far away, are able to instantly enjoy, along with aunts, uncles and friends, who may be also living far away from the user.

b.  Business advertising.  I post on Facebook various articles here, which is then able to catch the eye of business professionals and law enforcement to hire me for training, or analysis.  I also enjoy looking up business' FB pages and am able to compliment, for example, a customer service that was a positive experience, and share this with the public.

c.  Connection with friends, especially from the past.

d.  Connection with people of similar interests, such as high school reunions, sports teams, fanciers, and so on.

e.  Some use FB and other social media to meet potential love interests.

For many, Face Book is a tool to reach the public.

This is key.

Remember:  if someone wanted to have the information sent to another kept private, they could do that just as easily; therefore...

We take careful note of context especially in the realm of romance and can ask:

Why is this person posting a highly personal message to another in a most public of means?

Hmmmm.

It makes for interest, but we will save that for profiling later.  It is done by the language, but within the context.

Let's begin with Statement Analysis and the painful posts that frequently arise, even here in our comments section, when one seeks answers.  Let's also presume the poster is seeking an honest answer, rather than holding court over readers, who may have an agenda behind the posts.

Is he lying to me?

Google will quickly reveal an endless posting of "12 Steps to Know He is Lying to You" and often contain such things as:

Does he hide his phone from you?
Does he become nervous when you look at his text messages?
Does he seem to have lost interest in you?
Has he suddenly become interested in losing weight?
Has he bought new clothes lately?
Is he suddenly dressing much younger?
Did he buy new cologne?

...you likely have come across these things.  Some may be helpful and some may not be.  Far better is to learn to analyze words by listening carefully.

When we examine the pain of deception, it will make sense that there is an entire industry dedicated to lies within romance. I even saw a husband and wife team of psychologists who wrote a book about their affairs and how much stronger "your" marriage will be from an affair.  They are literally lying to one another, and then lying to the public, in order to cash in.  There are many such sites that for a fee you will be advised on how to handle the heartbreak.

The romantically deceived are often most vulnerable for snake oil peddlers to cash in on them.

Sadly, this is reminiscent to the vulnerability of families of missing persons who find that 'psychics' from Facebook descend upon them in their weakness.  I am unable to enter into even a reasonably full picture of what it must be like to not know where my son or daughter is.  Hour after hour, frightened by the unknown, only to get an email from someone who said, "I have heard from your son...he is alone, and he is afraid and he..." 

The words of psychics show deception.  The words do not flow from experiential memory.  They flow from things they have read or heard, are often reveal a very psychologically damaged person in desperate need of relevancy, who, with incredible selfishness, do not care how badly they might hurt someone, as long as they feel 'important' and part of a case.  It is cruelty to some of the most vulnerable people in the world.  Thus I find some of the snake oil peddlers who prey upon the broken hearted to be in the same category as these deceptive ghouls who think they have "gnostic-like" hidden knowledge that no one else has, and can't be taught.  Whether they call themselves "intuitive" or outright say "Let me process your credit card and I will communicate with your dead mother..." makes no difference:  they are deceivers.

The person who has been damaged in romance by deception is also vulnerable.  Before we get to how vulnerable, let's define a few terms first, so we are on the same playing field.

Facebook has caused a new need for definition.  Like President Clinton's personal subjective internal definition of "sexual relations", we need to put cheating and lying into context for us.

Let's go basic:

1.  Lying.

Lying or deception is when one intends to deceive the other, either using words, or by leaving out words.  The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, will be our basic standard.  This means that one who brings additional information to the table in order to divert attention away, is called a "deceiver" since we are seeing his intent to change the topic away from the sensitive or relevant topic.

The truth, the entire truth, with nothing left out, along with nothing but the truth, that is, nothing added for any purpose of even distraction, is our standard.

2.  Cheating.

Facebook has given an entire new realm of definitions of cheating.  For some, flirting is not cheating, while others insist that cheating is sexual contact.

We will use a much simpler context instead.

Any contact  that fills an emotional, intellectual or physical need with one of the opposite sex which rightfully belongs to your spouse but is given to another will be cheating.  Therefore, texting, sexting, holding hands, kissing, and so on, do not need to be debated.  If it hurts, it hurts.

3.  Expectation

If a married couple is discussing divorce, and are no longer together as husband and wife, but still under the same room, neither will be "surprised" by the other having contact with potential love interests:  this means the expectation is very low.  It may still hurt, but it is not the same hurt when one is in utter shock at deception.


Next, let's look at the damage to the victim of deceit.

Let's assume that the expectation is fidelity.  The reason I am using this to clarify is because in a broken marriage, the couple may not have an expectation of one another, therefore, one may "go out" on the other, but there is not the element of shock.

The element of shock is what is identified by studies as being the single most devastating issue.

Recall in previous articles the anecdote of journaling.  For those unfamiliar with this, it goes back to a story of a writer from the 1920's.  He had found good success in his career, loved his wife, got along well, and had raised children who were now out on their own.

He learned that his wife was having a romantic affair with a woman, and was stunned.

The shock was such that he was unable to process it, and was "stuck" in despair.  Psychologists call this shock the "atom bomb" of marriage, where the victim, if he had no clue, was in a position where he had no discernible warning signs.

The lack of warning signs significantly added to the trauma.

This is in contrast to those who "could read the writing on the wall", or had been fighting with their spouse, or had drifted apart (and so on).  These experience acute pain, but the trauma is often more successfully treated when there has been "time to prepare" via the hints, or the arguments, distance, and so on.

This man loved his wife, and after being with her for 30 years, thought she loved him, was content, and did not know there was a problem, nor did he know, or would ever have believed, that she was attracted to a female.

The trauma to the brain was such that he could not process it.

He felt that his whole world was a lie, that every holiday was a lie, and that every photo, even every good time they spent together was a lie.

He felt not only "no reason to live" but felt a powerful self loathing and wanted to not just kill himself, but to "destroy himself."  (This is why the method of suicide is relevant, as some wish to no longer live, and find peaceful means to die, while others, in self-loathing, want to harm themselves first, with violence to 'punish' himself, before death).  Hanging, by rope, is often a 'violent' outworking of self loathing, for example, while overdosing on pills is often more a passive, depressed type (without rage) where the victim barely feels enough energy to put the water to the mouth to swallow the lethal pills.

All of this can be seen in the language prior to the suicide, or sometimes in the suicide note.

Back to the writer.

He had found his entire self worth in his love for his wife, his children and his work.  He believed he was a success.  He had a solid marriage with his wife, well governed adult children, and a successful career.

When the center of his life was taken from him, he felt not just worthlessness, but disgust of self, so much that he felt that he deserved to die.

He packed up a few things and went to the family's cabin in the woods where he planned to shoot himself in the head.

He made the decision that he owed his grown children an explanation.  In the midst of the trauma, he thought of his children, and even though the impact upon them was not enough to stop him, it did, at least, slow him down.

He began to write...and as he wrote, he thought of more and more of his life; his autobiography, to which he felt was important for his kids to hear.

By the end of the night, he was not even close to finished.  He went to sleep, woke up, and began his next portion...
over the course of several days, he wrote out his life, in factual detail, and then on to what he experienced, and specifically, the shock and pain of the trauma.

He found that the overwhelming desire to destroy himself passed, and what was left was terrible sadness, still plenty of shock, but the desire to destroy himself, which was overwhelming, was now 'manageable.'

He was able to live.

Since that time, psychologists have long seen the value of journaling through pain. Specifically, what appears to be the most successful writing therapy is done in two parts:

1.  The facts
2  The pain

1.  The facts.  The subject is instructed to write out, in great detail, what happened. For many, this means starting "from the beginning", wherever that may be, it is chosen by the subject.  This brings a sense of 'control' to one who's life is 'out of control.'  This person writes facts, but refrains from the impact of the facts.

2.  The pain.

The writer now turns his or her direction back to the facts of what happened, and specifically what damage the facts did.  This is what is believed to help alleviate the 'pressure of unresolved trauma' on the brain.

As we continue to set the stage for romantic deception and heart ache, and what the language will indicate, we must know:

1.  That language shifts over time, and we must be willing to shift with it.
2.  That medium for language also changes, including abbreviations and phonetic spelling.
3.  Statement Analysis can be successfully applied to all of these
4.  Deception in Romantic relationships can be lethal.
5.  The trauma is directly related to the degree of preparation, or lack of preparation, of the victim.
6.  The greater the shock, the more severe the damage.  This is due to the expectation between the couple.
7.  Language reveals intent and intent to deceive is picked up by sensitivity indicators taken in context.

In response, if you would like to post specific statements used, do so "anonymously" in the comments section.

This first section should show that those who are deceived in a trusted legally bound relationship (a good marriage) suffer trauma.

The victim of the deception was unaware of the cheater's activities and the cheater does not want out of the marriage.  He wants his wife but he also wants his affairs.  This goes both ways in gender.

The victim is often:

a.  left feeling hopeless
b.  self esteem through the floor
c.  no self worth
d.  males often report devastated confidence
e.  females often report devastated self image
f.  suicidal ideation
g.  suicide attempts, often violent
h.  depression, anxiety

Those who were shocked by their spouse's affair report the day they learned or confronted the wayward spouse commonly as "D Day", which is something we will reference repeatedly.

In the months and years after "D Day":

most marriages end
the victim's immune system is compromised whether or not the the marriage stayed in tact
men report downturns in their careers, as they 'stumble'
women report more willingness to seek professional intervention, including medication
"Retaliation affairs" generally lead to divorce
Men report "retaliation affairs" gave them self respect while women more often report that it made them feel "ugly" and "dirty" and not good about themselves.
Victims may resort to substance abuse
Both genders as victims report weight change; men stop eating, for example.
This part is a bit tricky but anecdotal evidence suggests a strongly negative impact upon the children both while the couple remains together, and afterwards.
When the children learn, they often demonize the parent, or blame the victim for "causing" the affair. In any case, they are impacted negatively.

All of these elements come out in the language.

Next up:  D-Day and the "Trickle Truth"




18 comments:

Anonymous said...

What are the signs your husband is a closet homosexual?
If anyone has experienced this, please tell me any signs.
Is rejecting their children a sign? Going from being a consistent, responsible parent to doing things like starting fights before the child's events (and trying to blame that on me) even if the events are short like an hour long and not going to the child's events? Failing to pick up their child who returns from a camping trip and not even alerting me he is not picking up our child? Going out of his way it seems to reject his children???
Language wise if I ask him "Are you gay?" He does not ever say "I am not gay." Rather the 1st time I asked him he said "Why wouldn't I tell you if I was a big fag?" (sorry for the language, figured I would quote verbatim) Another time I asked are you gay he wrote in text "I am not a f&cking fag!" Are these concerning denials? It is to the point where there has been so much bizarre behavior that I am convinced he is either on drugs or actually exploring his gayness. Please don't laugh at this post. I just have a sick feeling in my stomach and those are the 2 things I feel are possible, I guess a heterosexual affair is possible, but something tells me it might be a gay affair. And then again I don't know if I'm just imagining any secretive behavior. I just know his behavior is so hurtful and bizarre.
He had told me many years ago that a male acquaintance was "checking him out". He also told me his boss at a different job than the one he has right now was "checking him out". Other than that he was a dedicated family man and a consistent responsible father. This has shifted greatly. We split up for a month a few years ago and he had written in his journal that he missed me so much. He did not know I read it. I just don't understand what is going on with him. I also think he might have mental problems, but anyway, just in the dark and not sure his denials are reliable.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I should clarify that the acquaintance and old boss were both male.

Anonymous said...

Oh also, for the past several months, any criticism I make of his behavior, for example, if I say to him "You are always creating drama! Do you ever think me and (names of our children) get sick of your drama?! Within the week he will say the exact thing verbatim to ME after he starts a fight "God you are always creating drama! Do you ever think I get sick of your drama?!" In fact almost everything that comes out of his mouth in a verbal conflict is stuff he is repeating verbatim that I have said to him days, weeks, or sometimes months earlier. It definitely has the effect of that I have no way of getting anywhere with pointing out his behavior because he just flips it around like I said a few days, weeks, or even MONTHS later he will just always accuse me of doing to him what he is actually doing to our family!!!

Zen Killer said...

@Anonymous: Perhaps he has other issues that are causing him to detach from his children? Have you asked him? Has he given you any reason for the curious changes in his own behaviour?

While I don't have the experience of a homosexual husband, I did experience a strange period of detachment with my dad. Much like your children seem to be suffering with. When I was 10 years old, my dad took this strange turn when he never smiled, he was always tense and while he took me to every place I had to go, he was akin to a robot. He wasn't the person I knew as my dad. He wasn't. He's a witty and kind man who enjoys a good conversation. I thought he was angry with me, or at mom and one evening, I asked him about it. Point blank. I didn't get the answer then, I got it later though. I learned that he was very depressed during that time. Depressed because he felt like he failed me as a parent. I'm not going into detail save for this: he wasn't at fault for anything and when he could protect me, he did. He is a vicious papa bear when the need arises.

john said...

OT Updates:

Son describes family’s shocking abuse of missing teen Erica Parsons

http://www.journalnow.com/news/crime/son-describes-family-s-shocking-abuse-of-missing-rowan-county/article_65a2b73a-b7b3-11e4-8566-f7a4207cf056.html

Biological mom speaks out after alleged abuse revealed in court

http://www.wbtv.com/story/28142448/biological-mom-speaks-out-after-abuse-allegations-revealed-in-court


john said...

OT:

Rapper Vanilla Ice Calls Burglary Arrest 'A Misunderstanding'

The 1990s rapper Vanilla Ice on Wednesday called his arrest in connection with a burglary "a misunderstanding" and said he is confident he will be cleared.

"It was blown out of proportion. It's sad that good news doesn't travel this fast," Ice, whose real name is Robert Matthew Van Winkle, told reporters as he left jail, NBC station NBC Miami reported.

"It'll all get cleared up, you'll see," he said.

Van Winkle was taken into custody and charged with burglary and grand theft Wednesday. He was booked at the Palm Beach County Jail and later released.

Furniture, a pool heater, bicycles and other items disappeared from a foreclosure property in the Miami suburb of Lantana sometime between December and this month, police said.

Van Winkle is renovating a house next door. Lantana Police said they carried out a search warrant and found several stolen items at the neighboring home under his "care and control." The stolen property was returned to its rightful owner, police said.

Van Winkle stars in a renovation show called "The Vanilla Ice Project" on DIY Network. In a statement, DIY Network/HGTV Vice President Lynne A. Davis said the network "has been made aware of this situation and is currently looking into the matter."

Reader from Finland said...


OT:

Today here in Finland, Anneli Auer has been found not guilty of the murder of her husband. This case started 2006 when her husband Jukka Lahti was brutally murdered at their family home. The high profile case is known in Finland as the Ulvila murder case. The case is all over the newspapers.

The District Court of Satakunta found Anneli Auer guilty of the murder in June 2010. In May 2011 the Vaasa Appeals Court suddenly acquitted and released her.

The Supreme Court reversed the lower courts of Justice in October 2012, and returned the case to the District Court. The new district court proceedings began in August 2013 and December Auer was sentenced to life imprisonment for the murder of a judge by 2-1. The ruling was appealed the Court of Appeal, which dismissed the murder indictment 2-1.

We have emergency call transcripts and everything but myself it is hard to say if she did it or not. It is very complicated.

I wish that we had our own S/A expert here in Finland. We would finally know whether she did it or not!

john said...

My S/A antenna was screaming at me. I I didn't listen to it. I allowed my bias to get in the way.
I should have listen to it!!

Anonymous said...

My husband was having an affair... at least that is what he and the young lady considered it. He had her convinced that he would divorce me and marry her "as soon as she turned 18". I wasn't aware ANYTHING out of the ordinary was going on. I knew he drank too much, and worked too little, but had NO IDEA that an underage girl was completely in love with him, and they'd begun a physical relationship behind my back. The complete mind-blower was that the girl was my daughter, who was 8 years old when the "affair" began. It lasted 2 years. I certainly do not blame her for it, and realize she was the primary victim, but it still kills me that I was so CLUELESS.

Anonymous said...

I do not believe Prseident Reagan would=ve ever said "...Google it..."; Google was not in existence in 1981.

Peter Hyatt said...

Anonyous 12:35

I am so sorry.

I hope you've had a trusted person of who you have confided how this horror has impacted you .

Peter Hyatt said...

Blogger john said...
My S/A antenna was screaming at me. I I didn't listen to it. I allowed my bias to get in the way.
I should have listen to it!!

February 19, 2015 at 9:09 AM Delete

Don't be hard on yourself, John.
Those who believe others do the best in analysis.

Peter

john said...

Thanks peter.

Buckley said...

Yeah, why Peter called it a "faux quote".

Anonymous said...

Sorry I missed the "faux quote" in the article. Makes sense now.

Anonymous said...

Anon 12:35

With all due respect, how can you call your husband molesting your 8 yr old daughter "an affair"? You speak as if you are the victim. If the molesting went on for years and it started when your daughter was 8 how could you possibly have had NO IDEA . It is just strange in my opinion how you call this "an affair". Also, an 8 yr old is not a "young lady". An 8 yr old is practically is just a little kid. You need to become clear in your head it was not "an affair", it was moleststion. Am I seriously the only person disturbed by this post?

Peter Hyatt said...

Anonymous said...
Anon 12:35

With all due respect, how can you call your husband molesting your 8 yr old daughter "an affair"? You speak as if you are the victim. If the molesting went on for years and it started when your daughter was 8 how could you possibly have had NO IDEA . It is just strange in my opinion how you call this "an affair". Also, an 8 yr old is not a "young lady". An 8 yr old is practically is just a little kid. You need to become clear in your head it was not "an affair", it was moleststion. Am I seriously the only person disturbed by this post?>>>

This is actually a relevant question (which begins the post) and deserves an answer because the answer, itself, is not only useful for learning, but for assisting victims.

In child molestation, the damage to the child remains immeasurable in its fullest understanding. Statistics are useful, though each time I feel I have a grasp of the impact, something new arises. It is universally heartbreaking.

The answer remains within the attempt to protect oneself from the guilt of Neglect.

It varies greatly, so allow me to be general.

The mother has suspicions but fears taking action.
The mother knows, but is paralyzed by fear.
The mother does not know, because she does not want to know.
The mother does not know.
The mother cannot bear the guilt of knowing it happened on her watch.

on and on it goes.

It is awful.

The change of language to "affair" is not only minimization, but it puts:

a. blame upon the child
b. both the adult and the child on equal status
c. protects the mother from the guilt of abdicating her role as protector.

As to anonymous' closing question:

No.

I think some simply did not comment on it due to shock or disgust.

Peter

Sandy said...

Peter,

Thank you for addressing the issue. I can understand denial, but since the writer was not in denial when they wrote the post, it seems so bizarre she writes the "My husband was having an affair...at least that is what he and the young lady considered it."
The "young lady" is 8 yrs old?!?! The writer's primary concern is herself and I think that is disgusting. The post sounds like it may have been written by a pedophile pretending to be a mother because the writer's persoective seems to be that of a pedophile.