Thursday, February 19, 2015

Trickle Truth Statement for Analysis

The following is a statement posted anonymously online.  I have found it by googling "trickle truth", the term given when one party withholds portions of truth from another, yielding information in a slow, reluctant process.  
It violates "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth" in the most common form of deception:  editing out, or suppressing information.  Keep in mind that given the nature of remaining anonymous, a complete social introduction is not expected. 
This statement reveals much:
a.  How surprised was he?
b.  What does he think of the relationship?  Remember: language is not reality, it is the perception of reality.  
c.  What do change in verbs tell us?
d.  Change in language?
e.  Unnecessary connections?
Question for reader:  Do you believe him?  Or, is this something made up, posted anonymously, for attention or something similar?


"Here's a personal example of how trickle truth works in a real life scenario:

Where someone begins a statement is important and often the reason for writing. I do not have the original context, but he may have been asked to explain the term, "trickle truth", which is what he also ends the statement with.  
                                                 Is he truthful? 
Does this come from experiential memory?  Or, does the language indicate deception?  Remember, an opinion will not be seen as deception, even if it is wrong.  Deception is seen when one intends to deceive another.  
A month before my wedding, my soon-to-be-wife had a minor freak-out. Seemingly out of the blue she informed me one evening that we should go for a walk because she needed to talk to me. I said okay and we took a stroll along the lake. 
Thus far, we learn:
a.  "seemingly out of the blue" uses the word "seemingly" which signals to us that the subject did have some hint that something was not right. 
b.  Note the use of "my soon-to-be wife" uses the pronoun "my" and the title, "wife" with only the name missing. It is an anonymous post, therefore, the use of the name is not expected and should not be considered an incomplete social introduction.  Note:  "we" and "my" and "wife" tell us that from his perspective, this is a good relationship
c.  "she informed me" is formal language.  It is not "she said..."
Note consistent past tense verbs used thus far.  This is about to change: 

About ten minutes into our walk she sits down and tells me she's having doubts about getting hitched. I stay calm and ask her why. She responds with a lot of peculiar reasons that didn't make much sense but finally slides in that she's been chatting it up with a co-worker and enjoys the flirting. She tells me that she's not really attracted to him but she likes the attention and even offers to show me his picture on her phone. She was right--not an attractive guy--frumpy, morose, looked rather like a putz and had even nicknamed himself Stupid F**** at work...a real mope of a dope. She said he meant nothing to her but the fun she had flirting made her question the wedding plans. Anyway, I take this all at face value and tell her she needs to think good and hard about if she wants to get married because if the answer is no, then we need to call it off and tell all the invited guests to cancel plans. Two days later she assures me she was just being silly, wants to get married more than anything and we move forward. Again, because I trusted her completely, I took it all as the truth.
In the first part (I have used spacing for emphasis) he was consistent in the usage of verbs, past tense.  He used the word "we" twice, in only three sentences.  Now, we have a longer paragraph and the word "we" is only used once, and in context it is about the decision to call it off.  This tells us how he views them.  
Note how it is absent during the account of flirting. 
Note how the past tense verb became present tense verb usage during the painful admission of flirting.  If he is truthful, this tells us that at the time of the writing, the event he described, was still causing him emotional impact.  This is common in PTSD sufferers, including sexual abuse victims.  
When the account is over, he returned to past tense verbs:  "I trusted her..." and "I took it all as the truth."
Note her need to denigrate (by comparison) her love interest's appearance.  
Note "his picture on her phone."  We note "phones" in Statement Analysis as "people" because "phones do not talk; people do."
Two days before the wedding and suddenly something is feeling off. I arrive in a city I've never been to before, get introduced to a whole bunch of friends/extended family I've never met and the whole day my fiance is ignoring me and spending the majority of her time on her phone, texting and playing games. 
Note what is important to him is what he has added in his account.  No one can tell us everything they did; we all edit.  Therefore, what remains is important:
He drove in unfamiliar territory.  This may have made him uncomfortable.  
He met people he had not met before, "a whole bunch" and used "get introduced" further adding words to show how uncomfortable he was.  
"...and the whole day my fiancé is ignoring me" is given in comparison to the level of discomfort of people and places unfamiliar to him.  In context, this is a signal that he:
a.  expected comfort from her
b.  would have been more comfortable with her near him. 
Note that her "phone" reappears in his language.  
Note the return of present tense verbs.  
Note that "texting" (communication) comes before "playing games."
I let this go on until we get to our hotel room and then ask her WTF is happening and who the hell has she been texting all day. She admits its this coworker and that she's just under a lot of stress and its nothing. I call bull*** and threaten to call my parents or Best Man and have them get me to the airport but she breaks down crying and insists she's just being stupid and wants the wedding to happen. I'm about 5 seconds from calling anyone who can bail me out when she swears that she's just nervous and anxious and confused and truly wants us to tie the knot. Again, because I loved her, because I trusted her, because we'd lived together and built something over 5 years together, I took her for her word. The next day went ahead without incident and the day after that we had a wedding for the books. It was an amazing day from start to finish and everyone there said it may have been the finest, funnest wedding they'd ever experienced.

Without full analysis, I have emphasized enough to show:
the "phone" mentioned again, is sensitive because of "who" she was communicating with. 
The word "nothing" is used here.  Please see analysis on "nothing happened" in an open statement. 
Note the present tense verbs are used to show ongoing impact until the word "love" enters his language:  it is past tense.
Note "trusted" is also past tense.  
This indicates that at the time of his writing, he no longer loved nor trusted her.  
yet, with the word "we", at the time of the event, he still saw genuine hope.  This is to say, at that time in the event (not the writing) he did love and trust her in spite of what she was caught doing.  
He now also relates 'emotional theft.'
He showed that he needed her comfort (he was not comfortable in new surroundings with new people in this setting), but instead, she was communicating with a man she had derided, earlier, to him.  This man was getting what the subject felt due to him.  (see part one for definition of 'cheating' in context with expectation.)
I have edited out some of his descriptions that follow as the language is not appropriate for me to post here, as I continue to use **** in the words.  
For days later things started to unravel fast. The trickle became an ever-increasing flow. First, after a night with friends to celebrate our union, she gets totally wasted and, upon returning home, tells me, "I don't even see us lasting a year together. But the good thing is, I've got someone waiting for me...and I know he has a ***** *****...but he **** really ***** and he ****************!" She then blacked-out and didn't remember it the next day. 
Continue to follow verbs. 
(In vino veritas?)
I on the other hand, went through her phone, found his number and texted him, asking point-blank if he was really in fact **** ***** ***** my wife. After trying to reach her by phone (she was passed-out) he finally replied that yes, he probably wasn't a very good person, but it's a choice she'd have to make and that I probably wouldn't like what she chooses in the end.
The next day she sobered up and, when confronted with the texts, broke down into sobs and swore she'd stop talking to Stupid *******r. 
past tense language. 
Now the change, again.  By now, you should be able to see if the changes in verb usage are consistent or not.  Inconsistent would cause us to explore if he is making things up, while consistent should cause us to explore ongoing emotional impact:  
A week later, she packs an overnight bag to stay at a girlfriend's place, walks out to "find herself," and I tell her not to come back unless she's serious about making things right. 2 days later she's back crying and sorry for being confused and then, the next weekend, I find out everything that had been kept from me.
Turns out, for about 3 months before the wedding, she and Stupid ****** had been walking home together after work. On top of that, on the nights I was at work, she was over at his place. All her happy little text check-ins were really timing cues so she could be back home before I got in, to pretend she'd just been on the sofa the whole evening, waiting for me. She'd gone out with him countless evenings to the bars, met his kids and formed friendships with them and, based on some of her comments, its highly likely she brought him back to our apartment when I wasn't around. In the end, they were having a full-blown affair because, well, I trusted her implicitly and never imagined she could stoop so low.
Her final words, on the day she left, were, "With you I'd have the life I've always dreamed of. But he has the condo I've always wanted, so I have to go." She left and I haven't heard from her or seen her since. In February it'll be 6 months since she disappeared from my life.
That, sir, is trickle truth in action. It is the act of revealing just a little at a time, to manipulate a trusting innocent, to keep a lie going as long as possible until the guilty have a final solution in play.
She was also good at gaslighting, which is an attempt to re-write the past, claiming things happened another way, in order to keep the innocent confused and questioning their sanity as their world seems to fall apart around them.
Hope that helps you get a handle on what it's all about. Good luck to ya, however you decide to proceed."

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

Peter,
What does it mean when parents and teachers/coaches tell kids to "Just do the best you can"? Are they really expecting the best? It does not seem so to me.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Ew, I know what (red) cesspool this text came from. Please take anything from these bitter characters with a HUGE grain of salt.

Deejay said...

LOL Happy, well- balanced characters don't often need statement analysis.

trustmeigetit said...





OT



So in my job, I have some recruiting responsibilities. One thing that I have really noticed a lot when I send out screening questions is applicants using the pronoun “we” instead of “I” when speaking of their experience.


Every time I see that it catches my eye and I always respond with something like “what is your role with that” or I have them provide an example of them using the tool or of their experience. Every time it comes out that they don’t have personal experience with it. I used to just assume they were telling me they had direct experience. Now I see id different and it sure saves me a lot of time screening them out.



Just one more way SA has helped me cut past the BS.



Seriously love SA!!!

Anonymous said...

Trustmeigetit
"Seriously loveSA!!!"

You dropped a pronoun and added "seriously". Does that mean you love it but also find out things that disappoint you? Im practicing :D

GetThem said...

Here are my thoughts:

1. I think the pronouns and verbs are fairly consistent. Where I see changes make me wonder if he is re-living the moment.

2. I know you said "Remember: language is not reality, it is the perception of reality." But, I don't think he is being truthful about what he knows or was told by the fiance, or else I believe he is lying to himself based on what he says. For example:

a.) He says "A month before my wedding, my soon-to-be-wife had a minor freak-out." --- Here he says hi fiance has a "minor freak out." In a way, that should be an oxymoron since you can't "freak out" in a minor way. When you freak out, it's a big deal.

b.) How is a month before the wedding he doesn't "freak out" when his fiance admits she is "enjoying flirting?" He had to have felt something. He should feel some level of anger, betrayal, fear and confusion. But instead, he simply tells her to think it over and no mention until a couple days later. A COUPLE DAYS LATER she tells him she wants to move forward and he doesn't mention talking to her more indepthly and questioning her seriousness.

3. The only time he mentions the word "love" is at the end of the statement and it is in the past tense. Was he possibly not surprised by her behavior and that is why he never mentions "freaking out" because she, or maybe he, had been unfaithful in the past? Maybe this was not unusual behavior or perhaps their relationship pattern was generally not healthy. Maybe they both knew they were not in love.

4. The word "trust" is in past tense more than once.

5. Here he is for sure not telling everything that happened and it is sensitive because he uses the word "left" two times:
"Her final words, on the day she left, were, "With you I'd have the life I've always dreamed of. But he has the condo I've always wanted, so I have to go." She left and I haven't heard from her or seen her since. In February it'll be 6 months since she disappeared from my life."

Anonymous said...

Now, we have a longer paragraph and the word "we" is only used once, and in context it is about the decision to call it off. This tells us how he views them.

we need to call it off and tell all the invited guests to cancel plans. Two days later she assures me she was just being silly, wants to get married more than anything and we move forward. Again, because I trusted her completely, I took it all as the truth.

So, in terms of "how he views them" what does the "we move forward" tell us?

Anonymous said...

"A week later, she packs an overnight bag to stay at a girlfriend's place, walks out to "find herself," and I tell her not to come back unless she's serious about making things right."

I don't find that believable. He tells us two things: she's going "overnight" to a friends, and she's going to "find herself". Does one pack an overnight bag for the uncertain journey of "finding ones self"?

Also, that he tells her not to come back unless... comes after she leaves. I guess it's possible but seems out of order, that he'd have to tell her before she actually "walks out".

Also, earlier he tells us "The next day she sobered up". I'd expect "had" sobered up, as is, it implies she woke up still drunk and took part of the day to get sober.

That he relates the "last a year" drunken confession in present tense and the soon-after confrontation with the guy in past tense, I find inconsistent and unreliable.

GetThem said...

ANON 7:43. I agree in that she clearly wasn't going to a girlfriend's house. I think everyone but this guy can figure out where she was headed. Or again, he's just not admitting to himself where she is going.

Anonymous said...

"What this has NOT done.."
Peter, is this similar to saying what didnt happen or is it not?

http://money.cnn.com/2015/02/18/media/allison-williams-nbc-news/index.html

GetThem said...

Ugh. I just read the post below this with a better description of Trickle Truth. I have a better understanding of it now than before I posted my response.

I think the hard part to grasp is that even with a basic understanding of Trickle Truth, are we saying that these people, like this guy for example, have no ownership in what is happening to them/him? Even with small amounts of information (TT) over time, don't they have suspicions? And if they do have suspicions, don't they confront the suspicions? And, maybe something we should consider when using SA with TT, wouldn't the overall relationship be taken into consideration? I mean suppose they cheated on each other or one of them was phsyically or emotionally abused, is that where the PTSD comes into play limiting their ability to comprehend or attempts to deal with what are glaring problems in the relationship?

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

The whole story is woefully incomplete without her drunken "confession" which is the phoniest part of all. And given what she says about the guy, it makes one wonder why, the teller asks him: are you waiting to **** ** ****?

The teller puts the guy down, has her put him down repeatedly, in unexpected terms. A lot of that is lost in the bleeping.

GetThem said...

I woke up last night and couldn't sleep so I thought about this some more. And I realized something else... He never once tells us how he feels. He never has an emotion that he writes. It's as if he is a bystander and telling the story from a perspective that is not personal.

Now, I realize some will say that he says things like "WTF" which indicate anger, but he never says:

- I was pissed
- I was shocked
- I couldn't sleep because I was so upset.

GetThem said...

Yes. If you caught that and I did after I posted it. I said something twice. I was stressed last night because today is my deadline at work and my oldest daughter stole her phone for texting after 9:00PM and I caught her accidentally. I was disappointed and it kept me awake for a bit.

Anonymous said...

Yes, also notice the focus on the wedding/getting hitched and not ever on the relationship.

john said...

Update:

Dad, Stepmom of Detroit Boy Found in Basement Charged With Torture

The father and stepmother of the 12-year-old Detroit boy found emaciated and abused in a basement last year have been charged with one count each of torture, prosecutors said Friday. It is the first time Wayne County prosecutors said they are charging suspects with torture in a case where the child was found alive.

In addition, Charles Bothuell IV, 46, and Monique Dillard-Bothuell, 37, are charged with second-degree child abuse, which carries a maximum of four years in prison. The torture charge carries a maximum penalty of life in prison. Bothuell IV and Dillard-Bothuell are expected to be arraigned Friday afternoon, prosecutors said.

"We are thankful that the victim was found alive," Prosecutor Kym Worthy said in a statement, adding that "based upon the allegations, if any case warrants child torture charges, this one certainly does."

The younger Bothuell was found by police after his father reported him missing from their Detroit home last June, prosecutors said. An officer searching the home's basement noticed the boy behind boxes. Prosecutors allege the parents deprived him of food and forced him to live in the basement and engage in extreme exercise.

http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/watch-live-aaron-hernandez-murder-trial-n305686

john said...

Update:

Exclusive: Saving Hannah Anderson: Inside the Dramatic FBI Rescue of Kidnapped 16-Year-Old

http://abcnews.go.com/US/saving-hannah-anderson-inside-dramatic-fbi-rescue-kidnapped/story?id=29089347

tania cadogan said...

off topic

Never-before-seen FBI footage has revealed the harrowing rescue of 16-year-old kidnap victim Hannah Anderson following a week-long manhunt.

The FBI revealed to ABC News how they tracked down the California teenager to Idaho backcountry and saved her amid a shootout with her kidnapper, James DiMaggio, in August 2013.

ABC has also learned that since the terrifying ordeal, Hannah has returned to high school, where she is an honor student, and now hopes to become a detective.

The search for Hannah began on August 4, 2013 after her mother, Christina, 44, and eight-year-old brother, Ethan, were found burned beyond recognition in DiMaggio's Boulevard home

DiMaggio, a 40-year-old family friend, then collected Hannah from cheerleading practice and fled the state. Friends said that he had a crush on Hannah that had made her uncomfortable.

Authorities issued an Amber Alert but had little to go on because neither was carrying a cell phone that could be tracked.

But after a week of searching, a group of horseback riders in the Idaho wilderness near Cascade contacted the county sheriff to report that they had seen a man, a teenage girl in pajamas and a grey cat camping in the forest. The FBI knew that DiMaggio had a grey cat.

On August 9, another hiker told police that they had seen the duo setting up a camp at Morehead Lake and the next day, the U.S. Marshals Service used a small plane to search the area.

'We circled a few more times and focused in on that area. And then we were able to see that it was a blue tent,' U.S. Marshal Steve Jurman told ABC News.

Then they spotted two people with a small animal. An FBI plane took off and confirmed the animal was indeed a grey cat.

At that point, the FBI launched two hostage rescue teams to reach Hannah - and as they headed towards her, they spotted her waving her hands in the air while DiMaggio collected firewood.

'Stealth was key,' said James Yacone of the FBI. 'One of the requirements to move in on the arrest was a distance and a separation between Hannah and DiMaggio.'

So later, with DiMaggio again busy in the woods, they swooped in - with two agents running towards the teenager and leading her away from the campsite.

DiMaggio fired at least once, the FBI said, and the team returned fire - firing multiple times and ultimately killing him

Photos taken at the campsite show that DiMaggio had a stash of weapons, including firearms and a machete, as well as handcuffs.

It also emerged that neither had a rain jacket or hiking boots with them, and Hannah was wearing pajama pants and tennis shoes when she was first seen.

tania cadogan said...

cont.

After they took Hannah away from the scene, she was taken to hospital - where she learned that her mother and brother had been killed.

When agents took the unharmed grey cat to her, she did not want to take it, and it was returned to DiMaggio's family.

Investigators say they believe DiMaggio was motivated to murder Hannah's family and kidnap her because he hoped for a relationship with the girl, but feared she was growing away from him.

'Somewhere in his mind, I think he thought that he and Hannah would have a relationship and she would somehow fall in love with him,' FBI Deputy Director Britt Johnson said. 'I think the ability for him to get her away and take her somewhere - he somehow thought he could change the situation.'

Friends also speculated that DiMaggio's behavior may have been sparked by the upcoming anniversary of his father's death, who had taken his life by taking meth and walking into the desert.

After the ordeal, Hannah moved in with her father, Brett, and returned to school, where she is on the honor roll, according to a family spokesperson.

'She is exploring colleges now where she plans to study forensics and criminology with a goal of becoming a detective with a Special Victims Unit,' they said in a statement.

'The entire Anderson family is eternally grateful to all of the individuals who helped rescue Hannah, and especially to the good men and women of the FBI who have clearly influenced her career aspirations.'

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2961761/The-moment-FBI-saved-Hannah-Anderson-shot-captor-dead-Agents-open-files-wilderness-pursuit-family-friend-killed-mom-brother-burned-bodies-house-fled-wild.html

tania cadogan said...

off topic

Disgraced news anchor Brian Williams has resigned from the Congressional Medal of Honor Foundation’s board of directors after he was caught lying about his war reporting experiences.

Ron Rand, the head of the foundation, put out a very brief statement yesterday saying Williams had resigned, adding that he had been in the position since 2006.

The news comes after Williams was banned by NBC from making public appearances while serving a six-month unpaid suspension from the network for false reporting.

Williams' name has been trashed in recent weeks after it emerged he lied about being in a helicopter that came under fire while reporting on the Iraq War in 2003.

Bob Wright, a personal friend of Williams and the former chairman and CEO of NBC, said the decision was difficult, but NBC believes it was necessary in order to 'get past' the scandal that has besieged Williams.

The decision has lead to a series of cancellations of events that Williams was scheduled to appear, including Palm Beach Civic Association's annual awards luncheon on February, where he was to give the keynote address.

'I feel terrible about it,' Wright told Palm Beach Daily News. 'But life goes on. We'll get past it.'

Wright also told the newspaper that Williams is 'considerably restrained' as he deals with the suspension.

'He is just struggling,' Wright said. 'It’s very tough. He is a very people-oriented person. He’d certainly like to get on and explain what he has done and apologize. It’s going to take time.'

Williams could lose his job if bosses decide he has brought himself into disrepute after it emerged he falsely claimed he was in a helicopter that came under fire while in Iraq

An investigation has been launched into his reporting, especially the Iraq incident, which he said happened while covering the war in 2003.

The probe is also looking into his reports about seeing a body floating by during Hurricane Katrina and his presence at the fall of the Berlin wall.

The 55-year-old faces the possibility of being fired because of a 'morality clause' in his contract that says his role can be terminated if he brings himself into disrepute.

Williams, who has been the nightly news anchor for 10 years, had recently signed a $10 million, five-year pact, Page Six reported.

tania cadogan said...

cont.

The defining clause in his contract said: 'If artist commits any act or becomes involved in any situation, or occurrence, which brings artist into public disrepute, contempt, scandal or ridicule, or which justifiably shocks, insults or offends a significant portion of the community, or if publicity is given to any such conduct . . . company shall have the right to terminate.'

Weekend anchor Lester Holt has temporarily taken Williams' place.

The show has seen a significant drop in viewers since Williams was taken off air.

In a statement, NBC chief executive Stephen Burke wrote: 'By his actions, Brian has jeopardized the trust millions of Americans place in NBC News. His actions are inexcusable and this suspension is severe and appropriate.

His claims came to light after a show was broadcast, featuring Williams describing how in 2003 he had survived his helicopter being shot down by a rocket propelled grenade.

His account was challenged by people who were in the actual craft that was hit and it emerged the NBC anchor was in fact in another helicopter entirely, around an hour behind the targeted helicopter.
After the inaccuracies emerged Williams said he made a mistake about being in a Chinook helicopter that was shot down in 2003 because he was scared and in a warzone for the first time.

NBC has launched an official probe into Williams, led by Richard Esposito, its top investigative journalist.

Williams, who is Managing Editor of the United States' most watched network news program, has remained quiet since the allegations came to light and took himself off the air before he was temporarily suspended.

But his silence has not stopped him becoming a figure of ridicule.

In an awkward red carpet interview for the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live, comedian Jim Carrey asked Today newscaster Matt Lauer 'Where are you hiding Brian Williams?'

Jerry Seinfeld also made jokes about the newscaster during the show.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2960974/Brian-Williams-banned-NBC-making-public-appearances-suspension-says-former-chairman-CEO-Bob-Wright.html

Sandy said...

Off Topic:

This post was posted on the "Love" thread and I found it profoundly disturbing and I am very surprised that noone pointed out how twisted it is, for this woman to call her husband molesting her 8 yr old daughter "an affair".. She also refers to her 8 yr old daughter as a "young lady" and says she had "no idea" it was happening. She also says her 8 yr old daughter considered it an affair. This post is so disturbing and I cant believe noone said a word about it!

Here is the post:

AnonymousFebruary 19, 2015 at 12:35 PM
My husband was having an affair... at least that is what he and the young lady considered it. He had her convinced that he would divorce me and marry her "as soon as she turned 18". I wasn't aware ANYTHING out of the ordinary was going on. I knew he drank too much, and worked too little, but had NO IDEA that an underage girl was completely in love with him, and they'd begun a physical relationship behind my back. The complete mind-blower was that the girl was my daughter, who was 8 years old when the "affair" began. It lasted 2 years. I certainly do not blame her for it, and realize she was the primary victim, but it still kills me that I was so CLUELESS.

john said...

Anon @ 1:02

Peter has replied to said post.

Sandy said...

Yes John, I saw Peter responded, and he did not address any of the very disturbing elements of the writer's perspective where she calls an ongoing molestation of her 8-10 yr old daughter "an affair". In fact, the writer states "My husband was having an affair...at least that is what he and the young lady considered it."
The "young lady" is the writer's 8 year old daughter!!!!!!!!
This is messed up beyond belief and sounds like it was written by a pedophile!!!!!!!!

Peter Hyatt said...

Sandy,

it is far more common than you might realize.

I am addressing it in a complete article.

Peter

Sandy said...

Sorry Peter I did not see your other excellent post on the other thread till after I had responded to John. I will be interested to read the article.

Mary aka Jude said...

Just a quick o/t message for Peter: I think you'll enjoy this 'bases loaded, two strikes, last inning' odds of, what I'll call, 'Peter has just gone full circle!' A few hours ago, I was attempting some cheap kissing up, for some Hyatt Fam brownie points, while writing feedback for your book, Wise As a Serpent. Kidding. I wrote how id known you as a dedicated advocate for children since I first began reading your blog ____ ... uh ? WHAT?How many years ago?! I had to count the years twice! Peter, I cannot believe it's been almost SEVEN years since I found your SA blog, which had only 3 SA posts that day!

I know...I've said this before: that first day I read the best SA analysis I think you've ever written! What are the odds that as I'm writing feedback for your Wise As a Serpent book, as I'm recalling those 7 years ago...I recalled one of those posts is the Cindy Anthony comparison to being Wise a Serpent!

I was so impressed by that entry, I went to another blog, named something about a bald man...(that foul-mouth guy from Florida, responsible for Strickland's recusal). I posted under my norm username 'Jade' & suggested everyone check out the "new process" (haha) of SA, with a twist of psych to boot!

An unexpected trip down memory lane today! Congratulations on such a truly great book! (Also, I'm 99.9% sure on my feedback I wrote '12 chapters' instead of 22...after I hit submit button I had a split second glimpse of wrong # It hasn't been posted yet to check. My apologies
:(

Peter Hyatt said...

Sandy,

no apology necessary. The new article will explain why people ignored the post.

Peter

Mary said...

After reading a few comments, I think I'd better wait until tomorrow or Sunday to read the analysis. Sometimes, it's very hard for me to set aside disturbing info from articles. I still find myself worrying occasionally *ten years later* if a man I didn't know was murdered, as was threatened. I've never been able to unsee the terror on his face & fear in his eyes.

Mary said...

Sandy,

I can certainly see why you're angry and upset. It is highly upsetting to read and know an actual human really believes it in her mind. I'm glad Peter is writing a post to address it. I'm also sorry to say Peter's response is spot on- there are far too many disturbing things from adults who are either distorted, delusional or just plain sicko perverse. Please know Peter is the best advocate any child in the world would be exceptionally lucky to have on their side. His wife, Heather, is as well. Peter will do all he can.

Under the catagory of TMI, I often wonder with my own step-sister 'wtf were you thinking?!' I hope my openness doesn't upset you- I've never been able to feel much toward my six-year old self, so I feel more of the strong survivor type than any anger at what happened! When my late-teen step sister walked in on my late-teen step brother sexually abusing me when I was six years old, the look of anger was immediate across her face. As step brother is getting himself back together to walk out of my bedroom, the entire time, she stood at the foot of the bed, hands on her hips, the massive anger that was apparent on her face affected her lips, like they were shriveled inward? And she just kept staring into my eyes, while I'd only occasionally glance at her to see if she was *still* staring and angry at me.

As my step brother is almost at the door to leave, she's still staring into my eyes & asks me with the angriest tone I've ever heard, "What in the hell is wrong with you?" She just let my step brother walk right on out of the room and she never took her eyes off me. But she must be the dumbest person on the earth because she asked "Don't you know you can get pregnant." I'm only six and didn't even understand what had just been happening and I certainly don't know what pregnant means or how 1+2 = 3. She warped my thoughts about innocent siblings just sleeping in a bed, though. When my bedroom was being remodeled, at nap time, I slept in my seven-year old brother's queen bed. Literally slept. Later, I recall rubbing my belly, thinking I was going to have his baby. Again, I wasn't very educated about pregnancy- I was only thinking I had a baby inside me. I wasn't at all upset about thinking I was having a baby. Because my mom had tucked us all in for a nap and had put me in bed with my brother, I thought my mom and dad must know. My thinking was very calm, like, 'Well, now I'm going to have my brother's baby.'

As for my step sister's extreme anger at a six-year old that day, instead of who was legally a grown man POS, as I got into early teens and becoming aware of what sex was, I thought something was wrong with me for repeatedly imagining sex with my step brother. In part due to the extreme detail I remember, and in part because of my step sister's anger, that lasted less than a year. I knew he'd sexually abused me. I also (possibly disturbingly) began to question if her over the top anger at me, was because *she* was having a sexual relationship with him. They did live together for several years after she graduated. My fear of him didn't leave until I was about 30. To this day, my poor, sweet (blood) brother is extremely afraid of him. I'm not even sure where the sicko lives anymore, nor care, but even though she (was?) married, my step sister went with him when he moved across the country. Nobody can be that stupid in one lifetime...born again?

You obviously grew up in a healthy environment because you cannot even imagine these sickos constantly cross the lines. For some adult victims of childhood sexual abuse, their view on sexual norms are very distorted...thinking of innocent little girl victims as asking for it. Pathological.

I hope you and your family are always safe from these perverts and keep smiling at each other :) The world is a better place because of people like you. Thank you.

Sandy said...

Mary, I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered and for the anger and blame YOU received from your step-sister! It's terrible beyond imagining that she did not protect you or offer you any kind of supprt, rather blaming you and putting twisted thoughts in your head like you would get pregnant?! That's extremely sad she did not protect you. Unfortunately, I did not grow up in a healthy environment but Ive always been one to speak up about stuff, having seen how onlookers who remain silent or, like your step-sister, blame the victim, carry a heavy burden of guilt themselves in my opinion. If not guilt, at least, responsibility.

Anonymous said...

Is this supposed to be a true story that someone posted, or is it a made up example?

If it's supposed to be true, at the end where he brings up gaslighting, I think he's the one gaslighting. Something happened between the two, but how his recount changes in the middle, it doesn't seem true or accurate. I don't think ptsd is a reason. Sure, a cheating partner is upsetting, but not ptsd worthy.

Lis said...

This story brings to mind the old cartoon where a pathetic man is standing on a street corner in the dark and pouring rain - the caption says "well, if he doesn't show up in one more hour, he can just borrow the money from someone else!"

The writer is seeking validation from those of a like mind about the futility male/female relations.

Interesting how it starts "a month before my wedding" giving no info about the time previous to that. The implication is that this was a good relationship before that but it does not say so. Maybe the relationship only began a month before the wedding.

It casts the writer as helpless and unable to see the obvious or make the most minor decisions on his own. He is carried along waiting to be told what to do next. The woman in the story is not making any effort to cover up her disdain for him yet he continues on. The writer would have to be so needy and dependent that he was willing to overlook the obvious in order to keep the appearance of being in a relationship.

Possibly the story is "based on a real event" - loosely.

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