Monday, November 26, 2012

Understanding Neglect of Children

At any given time, a child can have an unsightly tooth without the presence of Neglect in a household.

At any given time, a parent can have a toothache, use pain medication, and not be abusing drugs, leading to Neglect in the household.

                              At any given time.

Neglect is the most insidious of failure to parent; the most easily committed offense, and one in which there is an 'addiction' of sorts, with lots of deceptive excuse making and, eventually, parental boasting.  It takes no effort to neglect a child; no effort at all. 

This is just how insidious Neglect is.

Some of you may have read of old Soviet-era experiments on newborns, in which they tested the impact of Neglect:  having new borns all given the same nutrition, but one group untouched, un-held, yet fed with as little contact as possible.  The result was mental retardation, by and large.

Children are created to thrive on attention.  They are deliberately 'cute', by design, so that an adult would have the most natural reaction of rubbing a head, hugging, kissing, holding, and so on.  As the child grows, eventually, the 'awkward' teenage years begin where the child is not put on someone's lap and have his or her hair jostled, as was done at age 5.  This is also deliberate by design, as adulthood warrants independence.

When a baby first says, "Mama!" it fills the hearts of parents with delight.  If by age 12, the child still only says, "Mama!", the same parental hearts break.  As the child grows into critical thinking, the 'training wheels' of life must be removed, howbeit slowly, as the child eventually takes his or her place as a responsible adult.  

Neglectful parents are often heard boasting how "independent" the child is, including tackling chores that are considered beyond the child's age.  We heard from Carnel's mother this very thing:  she was "making him into a man"; i.e., he was not only cleaning up after them, but was likely good at fixing his own meals.

Can you imagine a child protective worker, as a stranger, leaving with a 3 year old in tow, holding hands, with the 3 year old not bothering to stop, turn, and say "bye bye" to Mommy?

 I do not need to imagine such because I have seen it many times.

Young children have natural stranger anxiety.  Children of Neglect often have none because they have learned to get attention from wherever and whoever will offer it.  The danger of this is obvious and needs little explanation.  The young girl who learns to obtain male attention will eventually become a young woman who will have learned that male attention comes from her looks, rather than from accomplishments in life, like homework, ballet, ice skating or making the honor roll.

Neglectful parents often boast.  "Look how social my daughter is!  She is not afraid of anyone!" not realizing how deep Neglect has taken root.  

A child has natural stranger anxiety, not paralyzing fear of over-protection, but neither should the child be the "rock" of a home; parentified, and often acting in the role of peace maker, keeping the family together.  Neglectful parents see the very things I am describing and brag of them in their language. 

Like the Statement Analysis view of "normal", we take boasting in statements as a signal that something is very wrong in the household.  As often said, good parents are too exhausted to boast and it appears that those who have a need to boast are likely those who have been previously told that they are not good parents.

Neglect appeals to the lazy.

It is easy to do.  It is the easiest thing to do. 

Once a child fends for himself, Neglect becomes easier to accept.
Neglect is addictive and feeds on itself, with the more that the child does for himself or herself, the more the parent can praise the child while being lazy.

Neglect is difficult to quantify.

Emotional neglect's impact is often seen years after it has been experienced.

As to CPS nightmare cases:

I know.

I know of nightmare cases and of injustice and have met, face to face, some who have perpetrated injustice.  I have seen those promoted to positions of authority who had no experience with children, and understood little of the fatigue that parents experience, leaving no room for empathy.  I know.  

I have also known many who did the right thing and who, without intervention, a child would have come to great harm.

I wonder how many parents can envision this:

a 3 year old or 4 year old is being removed from his mother's house by a social worker, who is a stranger.

The child holds the social worker's hand, and does not turn to say "goodbye" to the mother.  No tears, no interest in mom, whatsoever.

In order to have that type of reaction...a child must know nothing but Neglect, and how to seek out strangers.

Celina Cass' tooth is not proof of Neglect.  I don't need dental issues to show Neglect, I merely need to look at the monster that was invited into her home to know Neglect in its worst case scenario:  Failure to Protect.  Do you think Celina felt safe with a monster so dangerous that the court said his violence wasn't something he could even comprehend?  

A mother calls police on her boyfriend who threatens to kill her only to invite him into the home a few months later.  To police he boasted, "Yeah, I threatened to kill her and her daughter too!"

Now Hailey daughter is dead. Mom got her youthful "MHMR" boyfriend, but Hailey got the monster. 

Neglect kills

Neglect often kills the soul long before the body exits this earth.  

Childhood is about safety.  

When a child receives a toy on Christmas, the child does not fret over overstretched budgets, nor about the upcoming bill.  The child lives in the moment, in safety, thinking that life will always be like this:  safe, warm, comforting and especially safe. 

Inviting violence into the home is to not only put a child's physical wellbeing at risk, it is to destroy the very emotional fabric of safety. The very fabric of parenthood is sacrifice.  It is the opposite of Neglect.  

The window of life for innocence of childhood is open for only a short time.  Loving discipline and boundary setting equates to security in the heart of a trusting child.  Home is safe.  Home is where no bad words can be said, nor hurtful things uttered, like at school or elsewhere.  Home is where cuts are cleaned and healed. Home is where things are made right. 

But when a monster enters the home, all this is broken down.  

Each time a parent chooses to invite drugs into the household, the parent invites Neglect, a monster of substance abuse.  Since Neglect is insidious and it means only to do nothing, it is very difficult to inspire an adult to action, once laziness has settled in.  

Deborah Bradley said she needed her "Adult time", which is the best indicator of what happened to Baby Lisa, who dared infringe upon Bradley's time, likely meeting a momentary flash of alcohol fueled rage; it only takes a moment. 

Understand:  inviting in violence is Neglect in its highest form.  Substance Abuse only makes the whole thing slide down the ladder to child hell that much faster.  

There's more to a photo than just a picture.  


Apple said...

I would like to post this in every Emergency Department, in every pediatrician's office, in every teacher's lounge in the entire world.
Thank you.

Anonymous said...

My husband was raised by a neglectful mother....he was to look after his younger siblings, clean up the house, make dinners, take siblings to dental appointments etc. All this from a very young age and all because his mother was lazy. This burden/ reliance carried on into adulthood - whenever anything went wrong or was needed - it was always to be his responsibility. Eventually he had enough and has severed ties completely with his mother and siblings. He 100% believes that he wasn't loved and was just a convenience to a lazy mother. His mother believes it is because she worked (which was a rare occasion) and always boasted about her son to others, how industrious he is, how good he is with money etc - but all this was learned behaviour from him to protect what was his, his feelings and do what he was told. He had to work in the evenings to earn money to pay for his bus to school and to pay for his lunch. Money he had to hide from his mother.
She hasn't tried to make contact, confirming in his mind that she just cares about herself, over him and his children. He has had to overcome a lot of issues and realises now he has children of his own just how wrong his mother was, and finds it hard to understand how she just doesn't appear to care.
(I am going to remain anon in this post).

Anonymous said...

I will also add that she was violent - slapping him in the face repeatedly until he cried. This did get mentioned at a family gathering a few years back and instead of being embarassed she thought it was amusing......I felt sick and had to walk out. I was so angry but so upset for my husband.

Mainah said...

Oh, Anon, that's horrible, I feel some of that pain as well.

My mom was the lovey nurturing, kiss the boo-boos kind, until I wasn't cute to her anymore, about 5 yo I think.

I'm not sure what my sibs would say, everyone has a unique experience and/or perspective (perception), and they are all "polite deceptive's" like Peter discovered and talked about recently. (Thank you, Auntie, we love the matching lime green sweater-vests with the pink ducks you crocheted for me and my twin brother. Oh, yes, right, of course it's salmon and those are flamingos, I didn't mean to say ducks, I only said that because I just three minutes ago was seeing a duck movie, ah, ummm, ah...Th-th-th-They are lovely, we WILL really, really, reeeeealllllly cherish them, forever, and, ah, thank you, I can't wait to open next years present!) I digress...suffice to say, my sibs wouldn't say "poop" if they stepped in it. I'm the "rebel", or "black sheep", nothing is sacred, I'm known for saying it like it is, or, at least how I think it is, lol.

My mother became more neglectful and selfish each year, putting more energy into projecting an image of a loving mother, than doing it. I really grew to dislike her the more I got to know her, or, the older I got. By the time I was maybe 10, I knew I did not want to be anything like her. By maybe 12, or 13, I recognized "it" would be hard, but I already knew "it" had a name; "(family or generational) cycle of abuse" and thanks to a couple of corny "after school specials" in the 70's, I knew: 1) It's a bad thing, 2) It shall be "broken" and I shall break it. I had a mission in life...a first "goal" in life.

I've been called: rude, impolite, a Pitt-bull, for speaking my mind, more times than I can count. I've been "unfriended" by my sister, refriended, unfriended, refriended... it's kinda almost getting funny...not!

I was close to my dad, he was the best; honest, caring man. He instilled the values of truth, honesty, trust, when I was very young, which I prize so highly (that it get me in trouble sometimes).

I've seen times, as an adult, when my mother's ugliness was half mention at family gatherings and reduced or laughed off or blamed on the youthful recipient. Even, at near 50yo, with her now dead, I feel compelled in some ways to reduce it myself; She only really punched me two (dif) times, it was usually just a slap because she was mad because I came home late and I was only 14, so...

No. I know. I know. I know. (Peter, can we talk about your multiple, repeated, "I knows"? Please? They didn't just slip out. What is repeated is sensitive and nothing happens in a vacuum and...:)

Boy, geesh, the more I think about my mother, wow, mind a bit blown. How effed up is it that I feel "lucky" and blessed in my life because I'm not like my mother. That's a horrible thing to accept.

I'm sorry I'm being piggy with the comments section today.

Peace & take care,

"Ain't no luck, I learned to duck." ~Jerry Garcia & the Grateful Dead

Anonymous said...

That sounds awful :( It is a wonder that you had a strong will and recognised what your mother was doing and broke the cycle. Well done.

You were close to your dad and you were lucky to learn from him. I feel so sorry for those that do not have that. My husband had amazing grandparents - it is thanks to them he is the person he is today. It was when both of them passed away that his world crashed - they were like a barrier to the pain - he had them, didn't need his mother. But all of a sudden there was no wall there and it really hit home with him.
He never spoke out against his mother, I never understood why but now I think he was scared she would tell him she didn't care....which she has now, without actually using the words.
It's very difficult as a caring parent to understand how others can just not be isn't it?

Jazzie said...

"The window of life for innocence of childhood is open for only a short time."

I have witnessed the beaten, neglected and bruised souls of children. Our family was a foster care family. My Mom and Dad went through the foster care system in order to adopt because they thought they wouldn't be able to have children. They did end up having three of us girls but continued to foster children. At any given time there were 3-6 foster kids in our home. Some short term, some long term. They were family. It was traumatic for us all when one foster kid would be returned to the "bio" family or be removed to an institution.

As a child, I witnessed the damaged done by the biological family of these children: the physical damage, the nightmares, the self destructive behavior, the fear and longing for human love and affection, the regression after "family" visits.

My Mom used to always say "I pray for the children, because it's the children that suffer the most in this world."

I have witnessed the destructive power of human neglect. I also know that love and faith can't heal the proclivity of evil, but it may, at times, soften the cumulative effect.

My hope is that justice prevails in the crimes committed against children.

Anonymous said...

Things are not going well in Billie Jean Dunn's world. Shawn Adkins came out of his silence to post on Facebook and it wasn't pretty. Is this a sign of things to come should one of them be arrested? I can't imagine what else Shawn is holding back.

Shawn Casey Adkins Im not saying anything bad about you guys..I just said yall turned on her and Im sure it was because of some of her actions..Totally her fault. Yeah W.O.J I was just as shocked as you when she wanted to be friends again..You should have read some of the P.M's she sent me...But yeah I figured she was talking bad about me behind my back..I expected that much. In one of those p.m's She told me all about hooking up with her Ex boss from the carpet cleaning place..That man was married and had three kids..and his wife worked with Billie up there too..She doesn't care about anyone but herself..And his wife use to be a good friend of Billie's but surprise surprise Billie bared her fangs and ruined that friendship. It nice to see yall are seeing her for who she really

Shawn Casey Adkins Yeah she had also told me Ken(ex boss) had fired her from her job because Ken and his wife got back together..oh oh..David(Billie's son) works there too...and still does to my knowledge. And not to mention she told me she started drinking regularly and going out to bar and strip clubs..etc. Back to her old ways again more or less..I dont want anything to do with all that. So, what made her leave this page??

Shawn Casey Adkins I know W.O.J you are 100% right..That the way Billie is..She is all about her. Everyone see's it now and she ran off because she can't handle the truth about herself.

Shawn Casey Adkins That's Billie for ya..A coward. She loves blaming everyone else for her mistakes..and her inperfections.
about an hour ago · Like · 3

Shawn Casey Adkins Yeah she all that bad stuff about me because what I was saying about her was true. No bullshit..She isn't scared of me. I was the one a lil scared of her..she had a bad temper..

Shawn Casey Adkins Not at all..You are right tho. She wore the pants in the relationship..She had to have it that way. She liked being in control.

Shawn Casey Adkins After...She spent it on material things...drugs..etc. Sometimes she would use it on bills we needed paid..just sometimes.

Shawn Casey Adkins Yeah, Ken is the one paying her bills...oh and David too. She can't pay her own bills and has to have her Son and sugar daddy do beause she sucks at being a woman.

Shawn Casey Adkins Yeah she couldn't afford much because she had an exspensive habit..or habits i should say. Yeah she was gonna have her PI pay for her some new tires..and I think he wound up doing that for her too because she was in west texas a couple of weeks ago.

Shawn Casey Adkins Yes she was on drugs really bad when we were together...and as far as I know she still is.

Shawn Casey Adkins Exactly..she is the monster not me. Yeah she didn't spend any of that money to go towards finding Hailey...hell she hardly sent any of that money to David when he still lived in West texas. She isn't a great mother as you can see...although she makes her self out to be a saint.

Shawn Casey Adkins lol I guess that's why she has me blocked again..She is back with that dirt bag. His name is Ken Moncebiaz btw..He is the owner of K&M steam cleaning..the place were Billie used to work..or maybe works again since she is back with him lol. She is with him because he is wealthy..she told me she stole money from him when they were together the first time. And yes I am telling the truth.
about an hour ago · Like · 3

Shawn Casey Adkins Remember me saying Ken's wife...who billie was friends with at the time..Leant billie thousands of Dollars?? Yeah she leant Billie about 30,000 dollars..and did all kinds of other stuff for her too.

is..thats all I asked in the very beginning.

Shelley said...

Well written Peter. The thing I don't understand is how as a human being... These monster parents don't seem to ever realize and change. I had a mom that was great in some ways but had a problem with lying and never being able to own any mistakes she made.

As a small child I was very aware of things I felt were wrong, the lies (always that made her a victim.. She was raped, robbed, no one cares about her etc).

I would sit in my room and make promises to myself that I would take the good and and not the bad.

I make an effort to always see past myself or my pride. To be a better mom, to apologize if I am wrong. Something I recall most adults never did when I was a child.

Parents need to stop being selfish. Remember what it was like to be a child and be the parents they wish they had. Everyone of us as a child craved love, affection, security. And every child should have that! Parents that spend their lives more worried about what they want instead of what that child needs should be fixed so they can't never be put in that position. Cruel to some, but I know many people that never should be allowed to be a parent. Like Billie Jean. Still that woman is acting like a selfish teenager. On Facebook? Really? Could you be any more childish, repulsive and so far on the wrong track while your child is "missing"?!? And no, I don't believe poor hsiley is missing. I don't Bellevue she left her house alive...

Billie Jean is a poster child for what kind of person should not be allowed to be a parent.

Wake up people and face your demons and change! There is no excuse for not giving your children what they should have.

Shelley said...

And Peter, I just want to say again how much I appreciate your blog. Growing up with a mother who was a pathological liar who thrived off her victim status and would fight to the death even when faced with facts she lied... (you forged her name, blocked out the memory, they are the liars etc). Sounds familiar.... Like Billie!

I think is why statement analysis has so intrigued me since the first time I came across your blog (the Hailey Dunn case actually after googling the case because the mother seemed odd to me right away)

It's been like therapy to me...

John Mc Gowan said...

This article is a keeper,i also agree with apple.