Wednesday, October 8, 2014
The Devastation of Lying: Stephen Collins and Sexual Abuse
In one quote, he began in passive voice, as if the little girl's hand had a mind of its own, only to correct himself in active voice. Passivity in Statement Analysis shows a distancing language where one wishes to avoid responsibility. "The gun went off" is a lot easier to digest than "I pulled the trigger."
For Collins victims, even as 40 years may have passed, the consequences continue. What came of his victims of this unnatural and evil action? We have statistics to guide us on what kind of lives these young girls might have faced, as well as every person who loves them:
promiscuity and the self-debasing accompanying it;
self injurious behavior
compromised immune systems and the host of diseases that the body failed to successfully fight off;
and on and on the list goes, without anyone knowing, exhaustively, what the few moments of abuse did to the life of the victim. Nor do we know the pain that the spouses, children, and parents of the victims experienced. We do not know what marriages disintegrated because of a stolen moment of perversity, what careers were derailed, and what promises in life went unrealized.
Many victims hide their sufferings behind the facade of a professional and successful career, not showing the tears, the nightmares, or the private terrors she faces.
The victim often acts out her pain, which can then be acted out against an unsuspecting husband, who, going along in love with his wife, knew nothing about what went on inside of her, including her "panic" over being loved, since childhood sexual abuse interferes with brain development. This means that when you and I turned a certain age, we closed the bathroom door because we knew where our bodies ended, and the boundary for someone else's body, and we wanted privacy. The 3 year old sexual abuse victim knows no such thing.
The self loathing teenager wants to be called "slut" by her angry father and, 20 years later, may act out just to get her husband to despise her and call her the same derogatory name. Why? Why would she want that?
It is her comfort level.
During critical brain development, there were things that were done that had powerful, explosive after effects that even as 40 years has passed, as is the case of Stephen Collins' victims, the suffering can not be fully told.
In recent conversations about the impact of deception in sexuality, men and women have spoken about being happily married only to be utterly shocked to learn that one was having an affair. Victims of childhood sexual abuse are, percentage wise, likely to destroy their marriage in this manner.
The statements from such differed greatly from the statements of married couples who were having marital problems, one or both had affairs, both were hurt, but the hurt was mitigated by expectation. It was those who, for whatever reason,
Described as being laid open bare, and filleted from the inside out, without anesthesia. Others have called it the "atomic bomb" of their lives.
Men have said that they did not know who they were.
A case often shared in counseling is that of a successful author who had family and business success only to one day learn that his wife was having an affair. He was so terribly undone that he went to his family cabin in the woods to "put his affairs in order" and began writing farewell letters to his grown children.
Even in counseling, the abuser will often minimize, and the denial will be powerful. This sometimes is seen in the language, such as Collins choosing "3" victims.
I would wager a cup of coffee: there are more.
He was unable to find a purpose or a will to live. As the story goes, he wrote, at length, to each of his grown children and at the end of several days, the drive to commit suicide lessened, as he journaled his pain through.
The suffering has a lot to do with the element of shock. There is shock to the spouse of the childhood victim, and shock to the victim's children.
One husband described it to me in these terms. He said, "Everything I am is gone. Everything I thought about myself is a lie. Everything I thought I knew I didn't know. I don't know who I even am, anymore." A successful young professional, he knew of his wife's sex abuse history, and had supported her years of therapy. They were happy together, though she was often almost frigid when it came to intimacy, and was often afraid of strange men, without cause. When he learned that not only had she had sex with a stranger, but did so in his car, in a dangerous neighborhood, he said, "I do not recognize her, either. She is an utter stranger to me."
A few months later, he had declared "victory" in overcoming the triggers and that he and his wife "were never happier."
I cautioned him that his present euphoria was the body's rebound to the shock of stress and to prepare himself for the fall.
He almost committed suicide a few weeks later.
The perpetrator of his wife was a close family relative. She was a little girl and not only trusted him, but listened to her parents' praise of her uncle. She grew up hating herself for thinking her uncle was a "bad man" and had to accept that she "was the bad" for her thoughts. Her hatred of herself (common with sexual abuse victims) was enough to drive her to do things that would cause parents, teachers, and even peers to sneer at her in disgust. The disgust she received made her "comfortable" as she "deserved it." The one person in this world who refused to condemn her was her husband. For years he devoted himself to her. At the time of her infidelity, he thought it was impossible for them to be any happier. The kids were great, work was great, and together, they were best friends, sharing every secret. He even accompanied her to any store where strange men made her fearful.
Yet, something triggered her, and she did that very thing that would make him join the rest in condemning her.
He then attempted suicide.
He turned to his mother-in-law for help.
The victim's mother is now, even at a latter age, racked with guilt for failure to protect. Did she know? How could she not know? What of denial?
She lashed out at her husband, denying any sexual abuse even though her sexual acting out from the abuse had happened for more than 10 years before she met her husband. The drugs, alcohol, and indiscriminate sex were all designed to destroy her, just like the perpetrator made her feel worthy for nothing but destruction.
What of Stephen Collins' victims?
What of their husbands?
What of their children's?
We often hear minimizing language and denial within parents of victims, especially if the perpetrator is the father or uncle.
There is a movement within our country to get pedophilia to be yet another disability; that is, the government's responsibility to pay for housing, and pay the pedophile to stay home, in housing that is away from school districts. The pedophile will be rewarded with money for his evil and the money will come from taxation; taxation of victims who work.
This is to re-victimize the victim in order to satisfy a perverse sense of an immoral compass, turned on its head.
It will not be the first time we have seen the maladies in the DSM go political rather than dealt with.
Once politics enters, the emotional contest begins to see "who is the most compassionate?" and go down the path to:
Begin the quest to remove pedophilia from the DSM,
Move on to getting common Americans to accept pedophilia, and begin the "don't judge!" campaign, which is the bane of the weak minded;
and eventually, come to praise it with the bowing to the god of tolerance.
What was once considered a perversion that demanded restraint and treatment, has already moved into the next step in Europe: perverted child molesters should not be punished, they should be 'helped', which is the political code word for money.
The sexual abuse victim, suffering for a life time, along with her loved ones, will now have money taken from her pay check and given to the perpetrator in order to "treat" him. As this cash cow is fought over, the next step is "understanding" and having "compassion" (again, code words for someone to ask, "how much is this going to cost?").
The victim may have to give up her parking spot to the perpetrator.
Eventually, evil is called good, which is the final step.
It is shouted down now, but as morality has become a blurred line, and terms like "marriage" are redefined, words lose meaning. As we move from a nation of laws to a nation of chaos, the move to "accept" pedophilia, will continue. Eventually, Hollywood will portray a pedophile in an emotionally accepting role (cue just the right music), while bigamy may be chuckled at.
The suffering of Michael Collins victims is not only unknown, but may be immeasurable.
Strong prison sentences are intended to frighten pedophiles into staying away from children. We cannot legislate thought (we've seen what 'hate crime' has done in dividing our country), but we can legislate action.
Having said all of this, there are those who, molested as children (generally males) who have a sexual attraction to children, who voluntarily undergo treatment, but more importantly, undergo voluntary boundaries, staying away from children, who deserve our assistance. When I say "our assistance", this is not code for money, or for the government, but for men and women of good will to encourage the pedophile, who recognizes that nature has been twisted into something foul, and seek to not act upon their evil thoughts. I have met some who have voluntarily told others of their private curse and hell, agreeing to not be alone or even around children, who were accepted by others. It can happen within a community. There are medications that help, including those that seek to quell sex drive.
But when the government talks about "acceptance", remember who government is:
government is an opinion with a gun, and if you do not agree with government's opinion, it can, at the end of that gun, coerce you into that which you do not agree with.
Not the purpose of government.
If a man molests a child and receives a 50 year prison sentence, and is kept in prison for the entire sentence, it is very likely that other children will be kept safe.
As to the one victim?
The victim will suffer for his or her entire life, likely longer than the prison sentence.
Should Collins make a statement, we'll cover it.