Jesse Ryan Loskarn was arrested for child pornography and later committed suicide. This is his letter. Statement Analysis will look for truth or deception, and indications of childhood sexual abuse.
Jesse Ryan Loskarn's Last Message:
On December 11, 2013, I was arrested for possession of child pornography. Writing those few words took a long time; seeing them in print is agony. But I owe many, many people an explanation – if that’s even possible – and that’s why I’ve written this letter.
Note that the letter begins with the pronoun, "I" and speaks of the arrest. As we say, the first sentence often reveals the reason for the statement, and in this case, it is plain. He is writing it because of the arrest.
Note that even seeing them in print "is" (present tense) agony. This is a very strong statement and should be seen in light of suicide. He uses no word to qualify the "agony", making it stronger. He believes that suicide will end the agony.
The explanation of "why" he was arrested is the reason for the letter. This coincides with the principle of the opening portion of a statement (letter, email, etc) is always important and often the reason of the statement.
The news coverage of my spectacular fall makes it impossible for me to crawl in a hole and disappear. I’ve hurt every single human being I’ve ever known and the details of my shame are preserved on the internet for all time. There is no escape.
The pronoun use is strong. He does not distance himself from what he experienced. This is very personal.
Instead of "I hurt" he uses "I've hurt", which elongates the period of time in the past, as ongoing. This is an indication that he is aware of the passage of time he has hurt those he knew "every human being I've known..."
My family has been wounded beyond description. My former boss and colleagues had their trust broken and their names dragged through the mud for no reason other than association. Friends’ question whether they ever really knew me.
Everyone wants to know why.
I’ve asked God. I’ve asked myself.
I’ve talked with clergy and counselors and psychiatrists. I spent five days on suicide watch in the psychiatric ward at the D.C. jail, fixated on the “why” and “how” questions: why did I do this and how can I kill myself? I’ve shared the most private details of my life with others in the effort to find an answer. There seem to be many answers and none at all.
Here you can see the difference in time passage, and we note the order:
1. I've asked God
2. I've asked myself
3. I spent and not "I have spent", as he addresses this specifically as "five days" whereas the above have a passage of time that is not exact. This is a good example of the difference.
That he asked God first shows that he felt answers were needed above his own powerful intellect. It may be that his powerful intellect kept him from seeking professional intervention as he may have found therapists and doctors who did not impress him. This is not uncommon.
The first time I saw child pornography was during a search for music on a peer-to-peer network. I wasn’t seeking it but I didn’t turn away when I saw it. Until that moment, the only place I’d seen these sorts of images was in my mind.
Here is the first hint of weakness: "I wasn't seeking..." is in the negative. Searching for music will not produce child pornography unless there is a certain element within music. This may be something he did not come to terms with (denial), yet he states strongly "I didn't turn away when I saw it" with the strong pronoun use. The denial may be evident in his next sentence where he admits fantasizing about children and sexuality. Because of the immense pain he was suffering, some minimization is expected, yet in this letter, it is remarkably low.
What kind of music is found on a "peer to peer" network.
What one reports in the negative is always important: "I wasn't seeking..." yet uses the word "but" to refute.
"I didn't turn away" is a very strong admission. The pronouns throughout this statement are strong.
Note that "the first time" presupposes that there was a second time, in the least.
I found myself drawn to videos that matched my own childhood abuse. It’s painful and humiliating to admit to myself, let alone the whole world, but I pictured myself as a child in the image or video. The more an image mirrored some element of my memories and took me back, the more I felt a connection.
Statement Analysis principle: When one uses the word "child" to describe oneself, it is a signal that the subject may have been abused as a child, with this abuse being 80% likely sexual.
"felt a connection" is something that child abuse victims, as adults, often say. This may be because the brain was so acutely impacted early on, that the imprint is powerful and something in adulthood can trigger it. Pornography, (adult) is harmful to survivors (I can argue that it is harmful to everyone) as it can touch upon a brain's connection and trigger many issues.
This is my deepest, darkest secret.
As a child I didn’t understand what had happened at the time of the abuse. I did know that I must not tell anyone, ever. Later the memories took on new and more troubling meaning when I became a teenager. They started to appear more often and made me feel increasingly apart from everyone else. In my mind I instigated and enjoyed the abuse – even as a five and nine year old – no matter the age difference. Discussing what had happened would have meant shame and blame.
These are indications that he is telling the truth.
1. Reference to himself, again, as a "child"
2. Having no "voice", as the child feels muzzled by the perpetrator
3. "apart": this is the brain's way of protecting itself: disassociating from the abuse. This is often the case in highly intelligent victims and leads to mental illness. (DID). The child's imagination "escapes" the abuse, and the victim will describe 'almost watching, while floating above' the abuse take place.
4. "enjoyed the abuse": if the perpetrator did not inflict pain, but the sensations were pleasurable, the victim will sometimes suffer even more from it, as guilt is not added to the powerful equation of hell unleashed in their soul.
For me, this is an inescapable proof of having been created in the Image of God. A child is touched, sexually, and not injured physically, but actually touched in a way that brings pleasure, yet the damage, often surfacing in adolescence and then re-emerging in the 30's, is acute. The victim suffers for life for what was done in childhood. Physically, this makes no sense, yet, it is a form of violence done against the Image bearer. It hurts the victim and everyone that loves the victim.
I always worried someone might look at me and know, so I paid close attention to others for any sign they might have figured it out.
This is also common among victims: the shame is so deep, and so intense, that they believe others can see it. They often hide their faces and hate having their pictures taken. They think others can "see" and "tell" that they have this shame upon them.
No one ever did. By my late teens I reached a sort of mental equilibrium on the matter. I couldn’t stop the images from appearing altogether, but I generally controlled when they appeared.
The high levels of hormones (natural strength) keeps the damage at bay, but middle age is coming, and when hormones drop, often for women, for example, in their mid-30's to mid 40's, the suffering explodes as the brain has not forgotten what was done.
As an adult I thought I was a tougher man because of the experience; that I was mentally stronger and less emotional than most. I told myself that I was superior to other people because I had dealt with this thing on my own.
The natural strength in overcoming? No, it is actually denial. Having forced down the abuse, the brain's tension remained to do its damage. This is why intervention is critical.
Those I worked with on the Hill would likely describe me as a controlled, independent, and rational person who could analyze a situation with little or no emotion. That’s how I viewed myself. In retrospect, the qualities that helped me succeed on Capitol Hill were probably developed partly as a result of the abuse and how it shaped me.
Dissociative Disorder often is seen in very highly intelligent victims (DID)
In the aftermath of my arrest and all that followed, the mental equilibrium I had created to deal with my past is gone. Today the memories fly at me whenever they choose. They’re the first thing I see when I wake and the last thing I think about before falling asleep. I am not in control of anything anymore, not even my own memories. It’s terrifying.
Victims who are not helped, often struggle to discern truth from deception and can lie to themselves in powerful ways:
In my life, I had only ever mentioned the abuse to three friends, and then fleetingly so. I never spoke to a mental health professional about this or any other matter until I was in the D.C. jail. I talked with a counselor there about my crime and the horrible hurt I had caused so many people. I didn’t talk to him about my past. I didn’t think it mattered because I intended to kill myself as soon as possible.
The self-loathing caught up to him. He could have been helped. His high level of honesty and ability to take responsibility would have made treatment successful.
The session ended and I left to be taken to a cell. Before I’d gone far, the counselor called me back. He said there was something he couldn’t put his finger on and he wanted to talk some more. And then he just stopped and looked at me, not saying a word. He was the first person in my life who I think had figured it out. And he was the first person I ever spoke to in any detail about those memories.
the word "left" is highlighted in blue, as the highest level of sensitivity: it indicates missing information. He explains exactly what that missing information is, and why we highlight the departing of a place as very sensitive.
That conversation was the first of many that have already taken place, and many more to come, as I begin the process of trying to sort this out and fix myself.
I understand that some people – maybe most – will view this as a contrived story designed to find some defense for defenseless behavior. That it’s an excuse. In some ways I feel disgusting sharing this truth with you because in my heart I still struggle to see my five-year-old self as a victim. But I’m sharing this with you because it is the truth, not an excuse. And I believe it played a role in my story.
His language tells us that it is the truth. He asserts it.
To my family, friends and Capitol Hill colleagues: I’ve had individual conversations with each of you in my mind. I’ve pictured your face as I admitted to my failure and heard the shock and disappointment in your voice. I lay awake at night reviewing these conversations over and over again. They are among the most excruciatingly painful aspects of this terrible, terrible nightmare.
To those who choose to sever all ties with me, I don’t blame you. No one wants to think or talk about this subject matter. All I can say is: I understand and I’m sorry.
To those of you who have offered words of compassion to me and my family: your kindness has been remarkable. Compassion is harder to accept than condemnation when you feel as disgusting and horrible as I do, but it means a great deal. I’m more grateful to you than you can possibly imagine.
And last, to the children in the images: I should have known better. I perpetuated your abuse and that will be a burden on my soul for the rest of my life.
This is the first time I have ever read of a possessor of child pornography address the victims in the imagery. It is remarkable.
Statement Analysis shows that this man has told the truth about childhood sexual abuse. His striking honesty meant that had he not committed suicide, there was hope for him. This is a terribly sad tragedy for all around, including the children in the images that were exploited. He likely suffered from a Dissociative Disorder. There is nothing within his language that suggests that he sexually abused children, including large gaps of missing information. He truthfully reports the imprints that were left upon his brain, though he only goes back to age five, it is likely that he was sexually abused even earlier, interfering with natural brain development. His strong intellect is evident within his statement (and his life) and his letter is unusually low in minimization.
It is not surprising that he took his life by hanging, as the self loathing would have driven him to a violent death.
Why does he not attack his perpetrator? This may be because he does not know or remember the identity (not likely since he mentions age five) or it could be that he does not wish to further pain his family. It is the unexpected that he does not go after his victim. This may be part of the self loathing victims experience.
His life stands as a warning to parents to be vigilant over their children's safety. It only takes a momentary lapse to destroy a life.